Genuine exam answers from 16 year olds!

Q. Name the four seasons:
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink:
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

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1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal! To kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing

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Garnier have two ads on television at the moment.

I can’t remember what the products are but the stats at the bottom of the screen for both ads don’t add up.

One stat says that 64% of 129 people surveyed were pleased with the results achieved.

The other ad states that 79% of 141 people were please with the results achieved by the product.

The first stat works out at 82.56 people and the second one works out at 111.39 people.

So where did they get decimal fraction people?

1. Tim Vine – “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
2. David Gibson – “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”
3. Emo Philips – “I picked up a hitchhiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old friend:  ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

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For those of us with the teeniest bit of lack of understanding when the computer plays up.

I was having trouble with my computer.

So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “ I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

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Two irish ducks crossing the road. The one at the back goes ” Quack, quack”.
The other one turns round and says, ” Fer fecks sake, I’m going as quack as I can.”

I’ve seen it all now …. tree stump worship on church grounds in Co. Limerick.

Hundreds of people are flocking to St. Mary’s Church grounds in Rathkeale, Co. Limerick to pray and touch a willow tree stump which people are claiming depicts an image of the Blessed Virgin Mary herself.

Candles have been lit, multiple rosaries recited and a 24 hour vigil has been mounted to ensure that nobody removes the offending tree trunk!

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A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.” So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus my brother?”

The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — – but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
*
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“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”