Q. Name the four seasons:
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink:
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes:
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’:
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit).

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning:
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

I can’t remember what the products are but the stats at the bottom of the screen for both ads don’t add up.

One stat says that 64% of 129 people surveyed were pleased with the results achieved.

The other ad states that 79% of 141 people were please with the results achieved by the product.

The first stat works out at 82.56 people and the second one works out at 111.39 people.

So where did they get decimal fraction people?

P.S.

I’m still around … lots to say but it isn’t much good saying it …. I have to write it down!

Next week …. I’ll dust off the cobwebs and get the ink flowing again.

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

Well, then, is she good in bed?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’

I was having trouble with my computer.

So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, ’So, what was wrong?

He replied, ’It was an ID ten T error.’

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ’An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

Richard grinned. ’Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’’

No,’ I replied. ’Write it down,’ he said,’and I think you’ll figure it out.’

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T.

I used to like the little shit!

(The story above is courtesy of Cardi …. a regular visitor here … a retired teacher across the pond. A mind of information is being lost Cardi …. set up a blog!)

The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,“Damit, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an
automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You
never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and
barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

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>

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“Only when he’s been drinking.”

Two irish ducks crossing the road. The one at the back goes ” Quack, quack”.
The other one turns round and says, ” Fer fecks sake, I’m going as quack as I can.”

I’ve seen it all now …. tree stump worship on church grounds in Co. Limerick.

Hundreds of people are flocking to St. Mary’s Church grounds in Rathkeale, Co. Limerick to pray and touch a willow tree stump which people are claiming depicts an image of the Blessed Virgin Mary herself.

Candles have been lit, multiple rosaries recited and a 24 hour vigil has been mounted to ensure that nobody removes the offending tree trunk!

Last Monday, unsuspecting FAS workers (recognisable in their fluorscent yellow jackets,)  cut down the tree as its branches were overhanging a primary school (have to bring in the education system somewhere …. they’ll be blaming the Principal for the manifestations shortly) when one of the FAS workers had a revelation …. “Jesus, Look …. it’s herself …. yer wan …. the Virgin Mary”. (Last time they’ll allow a clinically recognised depressive on the FAS scheme).

30 minutes later the “Holy Joe Society” was out in force ….. jibbering, jabbering and mouthing all sorts on incantations.

The local priest is, apparently, quite sceptical about the whole thing …. he has claimed (apparently) …. “There’s nothing there … it’s just a tree. You can’t worship a tree”.

And he then said (apparently) …. “Don’t forget to contribute to the donation box!”

The gift shops in Rathkeale have noticed a surge in sales …. tree stump icons, plastic glowing crosses, FAS badges …. “I saw the Virgin Mary FIRST”.

The gift shop owner (who shall remain nameless), Seamus Horgan is reported to have said (apparently) that “people are looking for hope in these times and if they find it in a piece of wood then God knows it’s a good thing.”

A passing pensioner said he felt better having seen the stump.

Another said ’twas great …. it was getting the young people interested in the church again (albeit the church grounds).

One man, who travelled from West Cork (God help his head) prayed to the stump asking to be reunited with his ex-girlfriend.

Plans are at an advanced satge to have a glass case place around the wooded stump to protect it from the elements (and the Parish Priest who is away on holidays at the moment).

Ah shure ….. twil all work out grand in the end …. touch wood.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.” So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus my brother?”

The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — – but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
*
*
*
*
*

“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”